When the Narcissist Tells You To Self Reflect

My Narcissistic Ex Just Told Me I Need to Self Reflect.

This conversation was different. I was calm. I didn’t debate. The mute button on my phone is my favorite feature. It’s helpful not to hold back my sighs and scoffs and laughter while he can’t hear any of it on the other side. Not that he would hear much of it because it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. When he asks me a question and demands an answer, he answers it with his own opinion before I can speak.

My narcissistic ex just told me that my children don’t trust my opinions. That he understands them better than I do. That he knows how to get through to them. That the kids feel comfortable coming to him with their frustrations and that I need to self-reflect as to why our children don’t want to come to me. He tells me, “That’s on you and your parenting”.

Well, he’s right. It’s my responsibility to create the most comfortable and trusting relationship between me and my kids. It’s on me to repair relationships. It’s on me to foster conversations. It’s also on me not to take out my own frustrations and fears on my kids. When my son wants to call his dad and tell him how he’s mad at me, I’m filled with fear and anxiety. I know the turmoil this will cause. I know the seeds that will be planted in his head and how our relationship will be intentionally pulled apart. I know the fingers that will be pointed at me and the criticism I’ll have to endure.

I think I’m doing what’s best by going to my coparent and asking him to direct our child to share his frustration with me, rather than vent solely to him. I think I’m doing what’s best by asking my co-parent to come to me so that we can directly communicate about any parenting concerns. However, I know it’s not really what’s best. I know my request is just an open door for him to criticize my parenting, my relationship with our kids, for him to play the victim, for him to try to get me to defend my actions or admit fault that he can try to twist and manipulate and use against me forevermore.

So, in the spirit of self-reflection, I realize that I asked to speak with him about coparenting for three reasons.

1. I’m still constantly worried about what will be said in court and how it can be used against me. I felt like asking him to properly coparent shows that I’m trying to include him and trying to correctly confront him.

2. I’m afraid of what he tells my children. He tells them that I don’t understand them like he does. He tells them it’s my fault we live so far apart, and he doesn't see them. It’s the subtle lies that he uses to put a wedge between my kids and I without them ever realizing it. Every time they speak to him, I get anxious.

3. I have not entrusted my children to God. What made this conversation go more smoothly than past conversations is that I’ve done the work and practice not reacting or defending or explaining myself. However, this time, I gave myself proper time to regulate my nervous system and pray. I prayed that God would help me with my words (or lack thereof). I also prayed that I would trust God with the outcomes. I cannot control every situation and life circumstance for my children. Despite wanting to save them from the influence and negative example of their father, that’s not really up to me. It’s terrifying. There is a risk that my children will leave and follow in their father’s footsteps and not live up to who they can truly be. I’m scared. I’m terrified of losing them. I’m terrified that they’ll believe the opinions of their father. I’m terrified of the lifestyle they’ll live if they move in with him. Ultimately, all this fear is a lack of trust in God. I have not trusted that he will protect my children. I have not trusted that HE loves them more than I ever could and wants what is best for them…that He KNOWS what’s best for them. And maybe, just maybe, what’s best for my kids is learning through pain. Maybe they must figure things out on their own – without my protection. Without my constant worry. Without my resentment toward their father clouding my own judgment.

These are things I’ve been working on for a while. I’ve made progress in all areas, but I’m not there yet. It’s certain moments where I’m swept away in my own anxiety.

So, thank you, narcissistic ex. I did self-reflect. I’m an awesome mom. The Lord has chosen me to be their mom. And I can trust that HE has my back AND our kids.